to know

song of the night: 'Suicide Hotline' by ICP. I don't like the ending, but I just like the beat and the way the song sounds.

I can't go back, I know I can't. I can't go back to a place where I know I'm not truely wanted. I told myself I wouldn't do that again, it hurts to much. I've always thought I didn't have a heart, that it was just a space in my body filled with nothing, so why does it hurt so much? It hurt a little, and then nothing, just emptiness; a hurt that doesn't go away lightly pushed beneath my skin never to come up again. Why does it hurt so much for ghosts of the past to ask for what was once theirs? Why does it feel like my heart is being torn open and eaten by the very things that it houses, little demons with blood red eyes and big raven wings to go along with shadowed bodies. It felt like I was being sufficated, the air in which I need to breath slowly being taken from my space. My dark little home invaded by past occupants, choosing to rape and destroy, bursting into the small spaces that was once their rooms, tearing open old wounds and never leaving me to peace. Upon their departure my house is destroyed, bleeding all over my battlescarred land. Silent screams rape the dark landscape, pulling forth the shadows and ripping them apart, summoning demons and wreaking havick over this place once called my home. The doors have been boarded closed, the door locked from the inside. Repairs can not be made, the little english handiman not allowed inside the gate to help fix the ruins of the house, this place no longer a home.

It hurt a little, and then nothing, just emptiness;
a hurt that doesn't go away
lightly pushed beneath my skin never to come up again
the dark battling the light
warring for control of my mind
the feild a battlescarred heart
rough and wounded from wars of the past
something you can't look passed
a place where you can't go
i don't know i'll survive this one
so many people asking
wanting
seeming to be needing
i can't go back
i can't give up this bit that i've won
it's my life my heart my soul myself


(copyright all by Wolfykitten)