Songs of Feelings

Okay, these songs about sum up my feelings at the moment:

"Alone I Break" Korn, "Right Now" Korn, "Blind" Korn, "Outside" Staind, "So Far Away" Staind, "Safe Home" Anthrax, "Fallen" Sarah McLachlin, "It's Been Awhile" Staind, "Epiphany" Staind, "Scars" Papa Roach, "Take Me" Papa Roach, "Broken" Seether (feat. Amy Lee), "#1 Crush" Garbage, "U Got It Bad" Usher.

Emptiness

Song of the day: "Doll Parts" by Hole

It's days like this where I just want to put in headphones, blast the music, and drown myself in it and ever come up again. I feel so so guilty for how I'm feeling but I can't help it, and I would right down more, but if I did, it would kill my bariers and I'd burst into tears and probably slip into old habits, which would be (for those of you who know me and know what my habits used to be) really really bad.

To ache

Song of the Day: 'Doll Parts' by Hole

Saying goodbye hurts, but sometimes it's nessaccary. As much as we'd hate to admit it, it can often times be for the best. It may hurt more than we can stand, but what makes use strong is our abbility to stand it and live through that pain. Even if that someone caused you so many tears and so much pain, a small part of you will always love them; a small part of you will always want to be theirs, be it their submissive, their dominant, or (for those vanilla) their boyfriend/girlfriend. As much as I hate to admit it, I can be hurt, even if I don't show it. Most of the time I'll just lie and say I'm fine, but inside, I'm breaking apart and dying inside, a pain so hard to hide but nessaccary to survive. We all have times and moments like that, and sadly, I'm having one right now.

Thuddy or Stingy? YES!!!!!!!

Song of the Day: 'Tao Of The Machine' BT & The Roots


Over the weekend I went to my first bdsm club (honestly, it was also the first club I've ever been to in general) and I got flogged for the first time! I was clipped onto a St. Andrew's cross and my basically bare ass and shoulderblades were flogged a bunch. ::a dazed and satisfied look comes into my eyes as I remember Saturday night:: Oh, it was so much fun and such a sweet wonderful pain. This was my brain during the flogging: "Ooo, Master's flogging me. Yays. (in a very dazed voice)", "Oooo, Master's enjoying flogging me. (more dazed voice)", and "Aahh, pain. (and even more dazed voice)". Yup, that was pretty much the extent of my thinking during the flogging. I'm 99.999% sure that that's going to be one of the things that's going to put me into subspace. I've found that I love the sounds of the flogger wooshing through the air, and the thud of it hitting my back ::shivers in pleasure:: I didn't think I'd like it that much, but I loved it! If someone were to ask me if I liked stingy or thuddy, my answer would be? YES!!!! Just take a cane or flogger to me and I'll squirm and wiggle and maybe whimper at the pain, but i'll be so fucking wet with the pleasure of it as well. ::sighs again with a dope-y grin on my face as I wiggle my still sore ass on the hard seat I'm sitting in:: Andandandandand I have marks! Yays! Bruises on my ass and shoulders and they look so awesome. ::blushes:: What, I don't mark easily so I'm happy to have them.......

Funny Shit for all Those Kink

I think you all would get a kick out of this: Ok, you know how people will put big sign things on the side of the freeways saying things like 'god bless america' and whatnot? Well Master and I were coming back home from Nevada and I saw one (a really big fancy one that went all along a fence) that said 'Happiness is submission to god alone'. I burst out laughing and told Master about it and He laughed as well. Sadly enough, I didn't get a picture of it .

an awesome poem

It's not mine, but just a poem I found a few years ago that I loved.


"So long as the new moon
returns in heaven,
a bent beautiful bow,
So long will the
fascination of Archery
keep hold of the hearts of men"


Maurice Thompson-----1878

randomness

song of the day: 'sunspots' Nine Inch Nails





He wants to protect me

and i know i'm loved

He would never let true harm come to me

and i know He honestly cares

lately it seems to be something rare

something only told of in hopes and dreams

a wonderful person i see
and one i will always hold dear


copyright Wolfykitten 7/06/09

festering wound

there is a certain relief that comes from crying
let your tears loose and don't feel like dying
you may feel it inside, that darkness seeping in
but don't let it consume you
it'll take you over once again and you'll never be the same
what was gained will be lost again
never to return even if it's called upon
your hurt runs deep, like a knife wound in your heart
all festered and infected
it pusses and bleeds
and just when it's healed
someone of once great importance comes and picks the scab clean
making the clear to bleed


copyright Wolfykitten 6/26/09

The Need To Please

album of the day: 'Results May Vary' Limp Bizkit





an ache so good

burning with need

bruises sore and throbbing

can't help to poke them

bite marks visible and beautiful

the need to kneel so strong

the desire to please Him always there

so bend forward and expose yourself for Him

spread your knees and press your chest down

present your ass for His hand

your pussy for whatever He wants to give

the need to be filled haunting

burning you and making you ache

fingers, cock, or toy

whatever He wants to give you'll willingly take





copyright WolfyKitten 6/22/09

Missing Sir

i love the taste of his kisses
the feel of his touch
i love the comfort of his arms around me
the sense of belonging and protection
when we're cuddling, his hand
resting on my crotch, his head on my chest
i love the look in his eyes when he looks at me
and thinks evil thoughts
the feel of him inside me as he thrusts and retreats
the knowing look in his eyes when i squirm
i love the sound of his voice when he whispers
or growls to me
even the air would stop moving to listen
hearing the rythems of wind carrying his voice
i miss his warmth when he wraps himself around me
i miss being there to do things for him
making him smile and laugh


(copyright WolfyKitten 6/13/09)

The Mind Works In Misterious Ways

Song: 'Indestructable' Disturbed

I've had an odd week, mostly filled with my mind worrying and congering a problem that didn't exsist or even really have the possibility of becoming an issue. The way my mind works, sometimes it turns that 99.999998% unlikely hood into a 98.97% possibility. Over the span of the week I was worrying and pondering about it and the thought wouldn't leave me alone. But as I was standing there waiting for the longest minute of my life not daring to see if there were won strip or two, I came to realize the real reasoning behind all of this worrying and mind-magnifying of this; my subconscious knew my mind needed to think about something else other than the things that were really worrying me and haunting me. It was giving me something else that would consume my thoughts and keep everything else from destroying what little I've gained and raping my heart.

Pissed Off And Confused

songs of today: "Push" Matchbox Twenty, "Always" Saliva, "Coma Black" Marilyn Manson

Ok, I'm sick and fucking tired of everyone making me feel guilty about wanting to be happy and making me feel like shit for the way I'm feeling. I'm sorry I've finally found people who finally make me happy and don't make me feel guilty or like shit. Is that so bad? To want to be happy? I'm tired of people who I love hating me. I just want to belong in a place with a person in their arms without being the butt of everyone's mean comments; without being glared at. But I guess that's everyone's want, now isn't it? So now that I'm beginning to accept that I can and do have to option for that, why don't people want me to be happy? What makes me so different from the next person? I've made mistakes, yes, but then again everyone has and does.

(more later, gotta go for now)

At Fault

Song of the day: "Make Me Believe" Godsmack

If something happens in which you are a slightly major piece on the playing field, does that make you at fault? Does it make you the one to blame? I've been told not, but I'm not sure I really believe it.... I'm having trouble deciding if it's my fault or the fault of another. Is it really anyone's fault or is it just Fate sticking Her head in and playing the slightly cruel bit, or is it just life? Something we can not change and have no control over? If I'm finally happy at the expense of someone else's pain, is that my fault? If I wasn't here at all would it fix things and undo what has been done for the time being and allow people to patch up wounds and put the chain links back together? I've always wondered about that. I know that makes me sound emo and ridiculous, but it's true....I've always had that question whispering in the back of my mind, haunting my thoughts and raping my dreams of the things I'd much rather see, the night sky or the things I care for most. There are so many things out there that we can not control. Some people think they can control everything. Maybe for a time and maybe over some people but.... we can never truely control someone else's actions or their words or feelings. I probably should have added somewhere in all this that I am a lifestyle switch. Anyways..... What makes someone a bad person? Is it the way they talk and act? Is it their actions? Is it their past and their demons? Is it where they grew up and the type of person they are? Is it what they've learned throughout their life? Or is it what they've done with all that information and teachings? Who they've chosen to become? If that's the case does that make me a bad person? Does it make the world so full of bad people? Or are they good people who've made bad decisions? Who gets to choose whose good and whose bad? What gives any one person the right to say who lives and who dies? Is it really just, or is it something hidden beneath the skin? I think this is enough for now, I have said all I need to for the moment and I think I've bitched enough to last a few days. Have a good day and bye for now.


~Wolf

nothing to say

I need a hug
a comforting touch
it hurts in a spot i can't physically touch
a feel of nothingness conquers the rest

to know

song of the night: 'Suicide Hotline' by ICP. I don't like the ending, but I just like the beat and the way the song sounds.

I can't go back, I know I can't. I can't go back to a place where I know I'm not truely wanted. I told myself I wouldn't do that again, it hurts to much. I've always thought I didn't have a heart, that it was just a space in my body filled with nothing, so why does it hurt so much? It hurt a little, and then nothing, just emptiness; a hurt that doesn't go away lightly pushed beneath my skin never to come up again. Why does it hurt so much for ghosts of the past to ask for what was once theirs? Why does it feel like my heart is being torn open and eaten by the very things that it houses, little demons with blood red eyes and big raven wings to go along with shadowed bodies. It felt like I was being sufficated, the air in which I need to breath slowly being taken from my space. My dark little home invaded by past occupants, choosing to rape and destroy, bursting into the small spaces that was once their rooms, tearing open old wounds and never leaving me to peace. Upon their departure my house is destroyed, bleeding all over my battlescarred land. Silent screams rape the dark landscape, pulling forth the shadows and ripping them apart, summoning demons and wreaking havick over this place once called my home. The doors have been boarded closed, the door locked from the inside. Repairs can not be made, the little english handiman not allowed inside the gate to help fix the ruins of the house, this place no longer a home.

It hurt a little, and then nothing, just emptiness;
a hurt that doesn't go away
lightly pushed beneath my skin never to come up again
the dark battling the light
warring for control of my mind
the feild a battlescarred heart
rough and wounded from wars of the past
something you can't look passed
a place where you can't go
i don't know i'll survive this one
so many people asking
wanting
seeming to be needing
i can't go back
i can't give up this bit that i've won
it's my life my heart my soul myself


(copyright all by Wolfykitten)

Understanding

*growls* damnit! I wrote all this, and I was just about to send it, and I ended up pressing a fucking button and deleting the whole fucking thing! *sighs* ok well, I'm too tired to do it again and I wouldn't be able to duplicate or re-write it anyways so goodnight blog reader people.

Before I go I might as well introduce myself. I'm Wolf, and I'll talk more later. byebye for now.

~submissive to her wonderful Sir.~ Wolf

P.S. I hope Sir gets a chance to read my blogs because I'll probably be saying a lot of things here that I can't say in person because I'm too embarrassed and nervous to even thing of mentioning them.